Back-to-school Shadow Work

It’s hard to believe summer is coming to an end. For those of you with school age children, I hope all the back-to-school business is going smoothly. For me, this time of year is always difficult, and I find myself having to work through some of my deepest, psychological traumas. I have no conscious memory of my first day of school, but my mother has told me the story more than once. Apparently, I found the concept of leaving my family to go to school so threatening, I stood in mute terror when the school bus arrived at my door, refusing to move when the doors opened. When I failed to board, an older student got off the bus, picked me up, and carried me back onto the bus with him. I can only imagine how terrified little, five-year old Kim must’ve been to have a stranger steal her away like that! I’ve read about how children from Native American tribes were similarly forced to attend public schools in the late 1800's. They were removed from their families and tribes by “civilized” men who believed it was their moral duty to “kill the Indian, and save the man." Their "Indian-ness" was seen as an affliction, and Native American children were sent to boarding schools, where they were forced to cut their hair and change their names. They were forbidden from speaking their native language. I can easily imagine the psychological damage that must’ve done to children and parents alike. I’ve oftentimes wondered if my own early childhood fear didn’t arise from a past life in which I was a player in that particular drama. In any event, I always find this time of year conducive for delving into my psychological shadow…those experiences that were so painful or terrifying, I had to forget them. I imagine my school year traumas have a strong parallel in the collective, considering our history. Schooling is an invasive process. An outside authority determines what’s valuable and worth investing time in and imposes that determination upon others. Regardless of the intention, it’s a process that disconnects individuals from their inner truth, inner authority and creative drive. I believe it’s why so many people have no idea what their purpose is, and why so many teens make self-destructive choices. The educational process has stripped away their "Indian-ness." When I was looking at the symbols for this upcoming New Moon, one stood out. The Moon and Sun will both be at 17 degrees Virgo, with a symbol of “A volcano erupting.” The explanation for the symbol talks about deep psychological matter rushing to the surface. The other symbols for the cycle indicate a breakthrough of some sort, and learning how to rely upon your inner self for strength. We all have traumas to process. Whether your trauma is educational like mine or something else entirely, it seems like the perfect energy for working some of these personal and collective traumas. If you find shadow matter rising to meet you at this New Moon (or at any other time), here’s how you can work with it: 1. Feel what you’re feeling. Don’t shy away from painful emotions. That’s how they get stuck. If you’re feeling mad, acknowledge that you’re feeling mad. See how far it goes. If you’re feeling shame, follow that shame to its core. These can be very deep places, especially when we’re talking about core wounds. Having someone to hold space and support you as you journey down the rabbit hole is highly recommended. At a minimum, carve out some sacred time and space for yourself, where you can separate from other people’s stuff enough to feel what’s yours. Journal to help uncover all the hidden pieces. Take your time. 2. Find the negative intention. Behind every negative experience is a negative intention. We create what we want (consciously or subconsciously). Ask yourself what you’re getting from this experience. Why might you actually want to experience that bad thing that’s happening to you? If you’re being invaded, is it because you don’t want the responsibility of freedom? Maybe it’s just easier to let someone else decide. If you’re being rejected, is it because you don’t really want to participate? Maybe someone’s rejection of you makes it OK for you to reject them, their social group or even society at large. Maybe it makes it easier for you to hide. Find whatever your negative attraction to the experience is. Any creative process (journaling, movement, music, collage, painting, etc.) can help with uncovering the hidden desires or motives. 3. Work to change it. This may take some time…it’s not something that happens overnight. Write an affirmation to address the negative intention you’ve uncovered and place it somewhere you’ll see it often (such as “I choose freedom. I’m ready to be free,” or “I embrace the world as it is and choose to share who I am.”) By acknowledging the negative intention and making a clear choice to change it, you open a new creative path in the energetic matrix. Experiences and people in alignment with healing your wound will be naturally drawn to you. Trust the process. 4. Rewrite the scene. This is my favorite part of the work, as it’s where I get to really change the internal, emotional resonance of the negative experience. If you’re working with a specific memory, rewrite it in your mind so that it’s more supportive, kind and loving, in exactly the way you would’ve wanted it to be. If the event happened when you were young, rewrite the scene with both your young self (as you were then) and your adult self (as you are now), as participants. When I reconstructed the memory of my first day of school, I had to journey back several weeks before the first day of school and imagine my adult self driving my younger self to the school, walking me around and introducing me to my teacher. I imagined the bus driver coming to my house the day before school began and letting me and all the other kindergarteners ride in the bus with our mothers to the school, so we’d all feel safe and know what to expect. I imagined my father walking me onto the school bus on that first day and helping me find a seat among the big kids, kissing me goodbye and waving to me from the window. All the while, all the adults (including me) were telling my five-year old self that I could do it, that there was nothing to really be afraid of, and that I would return home at the end of the day. 5. Carry the new emotional resonance forward into your daily life. Early traumas get triggered by everyday events. That means you’re going to be given lots of chances to rework these places. Whenever you find yourself facing a similar experience or being triggered by past trauma, remember what your young self needed to feel supported and give it to him or her in the present moment. To this day, whenever I have to go somewhere new, show up in a group situation or class, or even walk into a school, I know I’m going to be triggered. It’s like I instantly become five again, and all the fear, self-doubt and shame come rushing back. When I notice the old, emotional patterns resurfacing, I remind myself I’m being given another opportunity to clear them. I talk to myself in a very supportive way…just like the adults did in my rewrite. With practice, this becomes easier and the trigger becomes less triggering. Each time you choose to be kind to yourself, you clear some of the karma that attracted the initial trauma to you. By giving yourself what you need, you let the universe know exactly how you want to be supported. This creates a magnetic matrix of loving kindness and support around you, which will naturally draw more of the same to you.