A Boundary is a Choice, Not a Wall

Many people struggle to create healthy boundaries in their relationships. If they weren’t modeled for you when you were young, it’s hard to know what healthy boundaries even are, let alone what constitutes your particular set of healthy boundaries. Many people I’ve worked with express deep frustration when they feel they’ve set a boundary that isn’t being honored. They’ve voiced a need or drawn a line, only to watch the other person step over it or push back. Oftentimes, this happens with their closest family relationships or friendships, where it can feel particularly confusing and disempowering. When it feels like our boundaries aren't being honored, it’s tempting to think we must make a choice between having the relationship or having our healthy space.

Even with casual acquaintances, trying to set a boundary can feel unfriendly or harsh. But healthy boundaries are the essence of healthy relationships. You can’t have one without the other. Healthy boundaries actually strengthen a relationship. They’re not about pushing the other person away, but about sharing the particular choices you’re making about your life with another. Boundaries are actually an invitation to relationship. Boundaries let the other person know you’re willing to bring yourself into a relational space with them, in a way that honors each of you.

Healthy boundaries start with listening to your inner voice and then letting other people know what choices feel right for you. Boundaries are ultimately the choices you’re making about how you want to live your life. They outline the amount of physical, mental, emotional and relational space you need to stay in contact with yourself while investing in a relationship. They arise from checking within, listening to your inner voice and then following its wisdom.

Boundaries are the result of living from the inside-out. When we live from the inside-out, we know who we are. We can then bring ourselves into relationship with another, without losing our sense of self or contact with our inner knowing.

Boundaries actually help create the energetic container for a relationship to live and move within. Healthy boundaries let the other person know what feels good to you, what you need to take care of yourself, and what you don't want to experience. With boundaries, we can merge in healthy pleasure or common interest for a period of time, and then pull apart again so we can feel the pleasure of our separateness. Like an in-breath and an out-breath, healthy relationship is a dance where we mingle energies, and then separate once again, without any loss of self.

Boundary Challenges

Difficulty creating boundaries usually involves two distortions.

Underbounded. When you’re energetically underbounded, you lose the connection to yourself in relationship, and then fail to clearly track or state what your boundaries are. You may believe boundaries don’t have a place in your relationships, especially your closest ones, or that loving another means giving yourself completely over to the relationship. You may believe being in relationship requires that you offer everything you have.

When we lose contact with ourselves, however, we no longer know what feels right. We can’t make sovereign choices, because we’ve lost our center. In the underbounded state, we merge so completely with the other person, we take their energy in as our own. Some part of us disappears into the relationship, and we lose our capacity to separate. Then, we may inject too much into the relational space or simply “go along” with whatever the other person needs, wants or demands.

We may feel their struggles as our own. If they’re unhappy with us, we have no way to separate and come back to ourselves to decide if we agree with their opinion. If they don’t agree with us, we may fight to bring them into agreement out of fear that the relationship is failing. Without a sense of sovereignty and choice, too much of our personal energy is fed into the merged, relational space. As a result, we may feel quietly put-upon, angry or resentful. Even when we attempt to set boundaries, we rely almost exclusively on the other person to honor them (or not). We give over our power of choice.

Overbounded. When you’re energetically overbounded, you’ve mistaken boundaries for hardened walls. You may state your boundaries with such force and such rigidity, it leaves no room for relationship. In the overbounded state, we create walls to keep others out or break off the relationship entirely at the slightest sign that the other person is doing something we don’t like. In the overbounded state, we may believe we have healthy boundaries. We may aggressively defend them, as if they’re walls we must prevent an enemy from scaling.

Rather than fostering relationship, as healthy boundaries do, these energetic walls make it impossible to truly connect. As they oftentimes exist within our own energy field, they also keep us bound up inside them. From behind our walls, we cannot fully bring ourselves into the relational space. We don't share who we really are, fearing the other person won’t honor our vulnerability. Although we may state our boundaries in unequivocal ways, many of the boundaries are actually defensive protections designed to prevent deeper relationship. Sometimes, we may even appear to give over to what the other person wants or demands, all the while keeping ourselves internally removed from the relational space altogether.

True Healthy Boundaries

Healthy, relational boundaries can only exist when we’re willing to enter into relationship while also fully honoring our own needs. We must remember that a relationship is a shared space, but that it cannot exist without two, separate individuals. Without separation, there can be no true sharing.

To have healthy boundaries, we must know ourselves before we can know another. We must understand our own needs and desires. Each of us is unique. Some people need more physical space,and others need more physical contact. Some people need more downtime, and others need more activity. The degree of emotional sharing that each person can tolerate is different. We cannot enter into a healthy relationship where the needs of another must also be considered, if we don’t understand our own needs.

We must also be willing to express our needs and say "no" when something in the relational space is dishonoring what our inner wisdom is telling us we need. This can feel vulnerable for both distortions. For the underbounded, there may be a fear that in honoring your separateness and stating your needs, you’ll be rejected or lose the relationship. There’s a risk in claiming your sovereignty and your separateness. For the overbounded, there may a fear that you’ll be overwhelmed, destroyed or swallowed up in the relational space, if you actually share your deeper essence with another in a calm rather than a forceful manner. There’s a risk in bringing your more vulnerable self into a shared space.

Most boundary failures are a result of either: (1) not understanding your needs, or (2) not clearly stating them. Sharing our needs and choices may feel risky, but it’s the only way to create healthy boundaries and healthy relationship. We must share who we are and what we need in relationship before we’ll discover if the other person is willing to honor who we are.

“Enforcing” Boundaries

You have the right to make choices about your physical space and your belongings, how you spend your time, and how you use your mental, emotional, sexual and spiritual energy. When someone appears unwilling to meet you or honor the needs you’ve clearly stated, then it’s important to remember that boundaries are ultimately a free-will choice about how YOU want to live YOUR life. Boundaries are choices, not walls that must be defended. If someone is ignoring a clearly stated boundary around any of your choices, it’s your responsibility to further use your power of choice to protect your sovereignty.

More often than not, there’s a simple solution. For example, if you’ve made it clear that you don’t want to share your clothing with a family member who continues to take items from your closet without permission, you can simply place a lock on your door to prevent them from entering your private space. If you’ve shared your choice not to speak with someone when they’re yelling at you, you can simply leave the room if they start. If you’ve let a family member know you need downtime and they continue to text or call, you can simply silence your phone. How you live your life and spend your time is yours to choose.

Oftentimes, a small action (like leaving the room, installing a lock, etc.) will help the other person understand that you intend to honor your boundaries, even if they do not. When done with the intention to honor yourself (rather than punish or reject the other person), this act becomes an invitation for them to enter into relationship with you in a healthier way. It raises the vibration of the relational container.

Oftentimes, the challenge with boundaries is not that the other person isn’t honoring them, but that we’re not honoring them through taking a simple step we have the power to take. When we fail to honor our own stated boundaries, we’re subtly dismantling or weakening the relational container. We’re letting the other person know we don’t respect the relationship because we don’t respect ourselves. Without a strong container, the relationship is likely to sink into more dysfunctional ways of relating.

Conversely, when we use our power of choice to back ourselves up, we’re actually extending an invitation to the other person to enter into a healthier version of relationship with us. We’re letting them know we value ourselves and will value them, too. By honoring our choices, we’re creating a safer space for relationship to grow.

*For more, including journaling exercises for finding your own healthy boundaries, check out my class Healthy Boundaries and the Wound of Invasion.

HEALTHY BOUNDARY STATEMENTS

Healthy boundaries honor you, the other person and the relational space. They clearly and simply state what you need, what you're experiencing, or what you don't like, while making space for the other person's needs and desires to be considered. Healthy boundaries give both of you the space to say "no" to something that doesn't feel right, without the threat of punishment or emotional withholding. Healthy boundary statements acknowledge the relationship, state when space is needed, and offer space to the other person.

EXAMPLES:

I'm feeling tired. I'm going to go home now and lay down.
I'd love to help, but I can't take on any more right now.
I'd love to hear about that, but I don't think I can take it in right now. Can we find another time?
Do you have time for a long story? I need to vent.
That item is special to me, and I'd rather not share it right now.
I'd love to see you, but I have trouble with the noise level at that restaurant. Can we pick another?
I've been busy all week and need the weekend to myself.
When you belittle my feelings, it makes me not want to share them with you. Can you simply listen to what I'm saying? I'd like to share how I feel with you.
I don't agree with what you're saying, but I respect your opinion.
I'd rather not talk about that now.
Do you have time to help me with something? I'd really like your advice.
I already lent you money, so I'd rather not lend any more.
I want to focus on this right now. Can we find another time to connect?